Posted by: cmittermeier | February 7, 2017

Sliding on ice

I can’t get a foothold. It has been, what, three, four weeks? Totally unable to get and stay on track for more than part of the day… Considering there were days when I couldn’t stay on track for any part of the day, you could say this was progress, but it certainly is not the report card I would like.

I have seen many I love slide back into old patterns, unable to get back on track. I know where this can end up.

This journey is a public one, and I don’t want to hide the rough parts.  This started with a funeral for a little boy, but it wasn’t what you think. He had a sister, twelve years old. When I talked with her at the funeral a plethora of memories, along with a burden of pain unhealed, encroached upon my heart.  I was just a smidge older than her when my father died. I was alone, in a family of seven, six.  After my mother returned to work when I was in grade two, I lost a connection with her. The age gap between my siblings, coupled with my behaviour (I was a brat), meant there never was a connection to have been lost.

Soon after the funeral, there were other draws to my past… draws to the pain. 

Back then, after he died I “bonded” with them first by food.  Who knows if We all wanted the same thing, but we certainly all ate our way through.  I wanted to be numb to the pain and to experience pleasure. Even if it was a series of instaneous taste bud moments, I survived by constantly reminding myself pleasure was indeed possible. But then I wanted to get lost in that pleasure and totally avoid the pain.  I still do.

As the tears, fears, and failures filtered through, the present began to pulse with its own difficulties. The reasons to numb and please keep adding up.  Solutions, options, alternatives… not so much.

My alarm has been set to a rosary, I have been more consistent with my rote prayers, but real conversations with God? Those I stop short after only a few words. I can’t enter into things. I know whisps of the pain I avoid, and it is worth avoiding.  My subconscious is going to great lengths to avoid it.

I have a prayer I sometimes say, a prayer to St. Michael for addicted people.  I wonder if it will help deal with the roots of the addiction? The words are aimed more at the supernatural influences of the addiction.  Time to start prayin for something…

Posted by: cmittermeier | January 2, 2017

Living with a hole in our hearts

Today as I walked the last daily rosary walk with my husband before he goes back to work, in the back of my brain St. Augustine’s words floating through my mind.

You have made us for yourself, and our hearts are restless, untill they can rest in you.

We are doing a rosary novena so the first time the quote came to mind was as we started the scourging at the pillar.  Anyone with a chronic sin knows there is no single scourging, and as I come away from the holiday foods and not so great eating routines I knew part of my eating was to fill an emotional gap that I’ve seen many times before.  I don’t know why all us newbies feel that once we’ve found God that gap will never come back, but we do.  

One of the resources I use is a website called http://www.faithfulworkouts.com/, and they have a 31 day challenge going on. True to their mandate, it has challenges in not just exercise, and food, but FAITH. Today was a bible verse and as I realized I was not “resting my heart in God”, I realized I needed more than just a verse.

I need to find a bible study.  

This week I will review some of my options, but if you have any suggestions please pass them along.

Posted by: cmittermeier | December 29, 2016

The pain of a budget is the better pain to choose

It has been a few days since I have been trying to get back on regular eating, and today as a friend looks at her years budget review I decided to look at my eating that way, too.  I have tones of choices in food, and just like a budget if I over do it in one area, it’s got to come from somewhere else.  And… just like a budget, when you get right down to it, the main culprit is that we often want to live outside our means.

It is a painful fact of life, we often want something that logically makes no sense to want. Smokers want cigarettes. I want cookies. In our own budget, oh how many nights I wish I didn’t have to cook! In any area of life, we do not have to look far to see we do not want the hard path, and we do a lot to justify going out of bounds to get it.

The struggle of wanting something we must say no to is part of our cross, but far too often we trade it for a more difficult cross.  My cross involves the mental wrestling I will go through as I stop eating cookies and night time munchies. It does not need to involve the physical pains of being over weight. That comes when I avoid the pain of saying no.  There is a big distinction! I must live with one cross, avoiding it adds a weightier, more difficult cross.  

Think of it this way… back to the budget analogy.  Sometimes I don’t want to cook dinner. Sometimes, I don’t even want to plan ahead with my flyers to make sure I get the cheaper prices.  When I avoid those crosses, I am deciding to spend more money than necessary. That money has to come from somewhere. Now, I’ve changed the cross of making dinner in to a much  weightier cross – debt. See it?

It is not hard to find the image of a person trying to trade crosses, only to reach a gorge he cannot cross with his short cross. We all know sermons where the priest reminds us that other people’s crosses only look easier. What I have written has been said many times before, far more eloquently.  As difficult as the cross of food temptation is, trying to avoiding it only gives you something worse.  If we stick with the cross he intends, he promises his Grace with be sufficient. So tonight, when the desire for dessert and comfort comes, I shall find someway to lean on his grace. I pray you be able to do the same.

Posted by: cmittermeier | December 12, 2016

Your Grace is Sufficient

Last week I kept being faced with a big thought: to doubt that God’s grace is sufficient means I am doubting God. Oh yes, I can get away with saying, “I can’t do it”, but for me to say, “God you can’t get me past this craving, I am doomed to eat this cookie” is, well, a heresy.  It was a real shock to the system, and for many days I was totally able to stand in front of a cookie jar and walk away everytime. Yes folks, I had readily available junk and walked away.

That is, when I paused to lean on God.

The last three days started with what I can only describe as reflexive eating.  I was in a rush, I had to get some cookies baked for a fundraiser that night and I was hungry.  A single taste turned into… many more.  The next day, something similar happened, but it wasn’t started quite the same way, but with another emotional trigger. Today, yet another trigger… all were in the rush of the moment.  

Knowing there are so many weak spots is a bit disheartening, but it isn’t defeating. The common factor was the rush of the moment. Why am I not surprised that in my last confession the priest told me I had to look into ejaculatory prayers – the quick shoot from the hip ones, especially those that have some indulgence attached to them.  That was a few days before the big rush… and yes, I’m only putting this together now.  

So, I’ve got some work to do.  I have to PRACTICE! PRACTICE! PRACTICE! I don’t mean during the moment, I mean, at all other moments so when the rush comes, it is an automatic reflex to call upon my Lord.  There are many prayers, but I will try “Heart if Jesus, I trust in thee” as well as being open to other prayers the spirit wishes. I happily suggest  reviewing the many lists to see if any jump out at you, I think it’s an awesome idea in any circumstance to practice raising our minds to heaven.

Posted by: cmittermeier | November 3, 2016

One holiday I doubt I’ll be able to swap out…

This year is about changing the way I do things, finding a new “thin” lifestyle that I will be happy to repeat. My hubby and I have decided that I will do a full year with the nutritionist so that, among other things, I cover all the holidays.  Thanksgiving, my birthday, Easter have all been easy to adapt or work around.  Smaller dessert portions, removing grains for a few days after the big meal, and occasionally swapping out a dessert for a similar, but healthier, option have generally done the trick.  This week I ran into a holiday that I don’t think I will be able to swap out.

Trick or treat, smell my feet, giving me something good to eat… considering we hand out some of the worst foods their bodies will have to digest, I think we would be better off smelling their feet!  Yes, All Hallows’ Eve, which was originally designed to prepare the villages for All Saint’s day  (All Hallowed means all holy) is not a holiday I will be able to redeem.  I have a few more years before my youngest stops going around the neighbourhood and bringing it back home.  Then, provided my teenagers or husband will hand out the poison, I will be good.  Till then, other strategies will have to be explored because once he is home with that big bag of candy, as I have mentioned before, once sugary foods enter, I’m a goner.  As my nutritionist put it, like many, there is no middle ground for me.

Sigh.  Thank goodness it is only one day! 

To deal with impossible cravings, I’m back on a cleanse to clear out the system and reset the temptation fuses.  Day two over and though it has been hard, it has been doable.  The cravings for Kit Kats and Smarties have all but disappeared.  It should go without saying that it started with a prayer to God and St. Michael.  I know when I’m in over my head, and when I am weak He is strong.

Like the post wedding, I’ve had to recognize that sugar and I are not friends.  Naturally occurring sugars in fruit and maple syrup do not seem to trigger quite the same response as the super refined ones, which is why I could have the pumpkin custard at Thanksgiving, or the black bean and chia seed brownies without loosing control.  But I can’t swap out a healthier treat, because this holiday is no longer about homemade treats (yes folks, I’m old enough to remember my neighbours candied apples, before the razor blade scares).  On so many levels this holiday really has gone to the enemy… but that is a post for another day.

Changing my life is about a lot more than just new recipes, its also about ways to undo mistakes.  Monday night and Tuesday morning were mistakes, and I’m glad it happened.  I need to practice this now, because it is unrealistic to say I will never have those nights when I’m at some goal weight.  The cleanse removes all grains for five days, cuts back on fruit somewhat, and adds in a few good things like chlorophyll and lemon water to start the day.  It is a very minor fast, but because it is used after a large caloric flub-up, well, it feels like a major fast (at least at first).  And so the circle back to my faith is complete – this is a minor penitential fast.  

I wish I could go all new agey on you and say it increases my personal power and its all me, but it doesn’t.  It humbles me and connects me back to the real power.  I doubt I could do this without the graces that God chose to answer my prayers with.  A penitential fast reminds me of how merciful God is in helping me because I don’t deserve it.  I just ate x number of mini candy bars in one shot, and then kept on munching in the morning!  I am not conquering my cravings, God is the one resetting the fuses.  He is the one to bolster me in those while knuckle moments.  I have prayed more in the last few days than I had the week prior.  This brought me to my knees.  Confession, daily mass, an extra rosary, its all needed.  

Yes, I do my part, I am the one choosing to stay away from grains (though I am certainly tempted to leave off early, after all I’m no longer sneaking and gorging on candy…).  This is not to say God is doing it all – but He is with me everytime my stomach growls to remind me He designed me to be able to survive this.  He is there to remind me He went through it too.  He is also there to give me hope for the future.  Everytime we do penance, we accept the grace of the sacrament and are made stronger against tempatation. Its why regular confession helps with addictions in a way simply telling someone else does.  This is the road that will lead to a permanent change, not because its perfect, but because it shows me how to strive to be perfect.  So yeah, next year doesn’t scare me.  Likely, I’ll do better, and if I don’t He’s got a plan out of it.

Oh, and folks, it takes a while for a binge to show up on the scale, so God-incidentally my weight in was my lowest weight yet.  With the penitential cleanse I may never see the impact of that binge, that’s one cool coincidence, don’t ya think? He’s got my back, and yours too.

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