Posted by: cmittermeier | October 17, 2011

What matters most

Today was a very melancholy day.  Grey skies, cold winds only reinforced the feeling of blah.  I know what was at the heart of my blues, I had a strange meeting on the weekend… with my old self.

You see, there once was a time when I was more concerned about adding letters to my name than I was with God.  I was inches away from the finish line to a PhD (Doctorate Degree) in Mathematics when I stopped totally so I could raise my sons.  I have never considered going back, though I did enjoy a foray into the work world.  This weekend I was brought back to that world for a bit.  I was invited to resume my work.

I saw the beauty of the math I had studied, I saw the grandeur of design – of God really… and I also saw how miserable I had been trying to be something I was not.  The nights of panic, fearing I would be found out as an imposter… and what is worse, how well I hid them from even those closest to me.  That is what really kept me from going back – the knowledge that I just wasn’t into the work (not that my sons needed me, which they did).  I didn’t actually enjoy doing math.  Oh I loved the Eureka Moments when you got it – but the work or research, not so much.  Add the weight of carrying a load you know you just weren’t meant to carry… blech.

Just how close was I?  Well I’d finished the research, I’d actually solved the problem… all I had left to do was to write it up.  That in itself was something I wasn’t good at, so again another mountain to run from rather than climb.  There was things to keep me going, I loved the students, I loved (still do) learning new things… but research and writing papers was something I really hated.  Yes, that is the bread of butter of research math.  So why did I work so hard to get into the program??? Like I said, I wanted the letters after my name.

Today, I sat in my house and hung the laundry, made breakfast lunch and dinner, worked on the content of the Mother’s group for tomorrow… and felt really blue.   I had thought I could bring some of the past forward, but had to face that I had changed and while others may have liked the old me… you know how it goes.  It was hard facing the fact that an answer of, “God doesn’t have returning to my studies on the horizon, but if He ever does I’ll happily go there” would be met with so much bewilderment I just left it at “Not right now”.  It left me blue.

At the end of a long blue day I went to my daily reflection favourite site: Creighton University.  It cleared away all my blue skies and brought me back to a rather contented place.  I may be someone too far from my old self for some, but I am far closer to my real potential.  That is what matters most.

We are all on our own journeys, our own discovery of self.  God reaches us in all sorts of different ways… for my oldest son right now its reading stories from the old testament and proverbs (hey, well all like those sayings don’t we)… for my youngest Angels are his craze… as a family we actually have little overlap in our faith, but its the glue that keeps us together.

Tonight as you do your own daily review, know this… when Jesus spoke on prayer he said to Ask for what you want, then to Seek it and lastly to Knock when you find the right door.  It worked for me!  Its good advice for all of us – feel free to change the name Jesus to “Divine Power”, “Almighty Being”, “Great Cosmos” or whatever you consider as the guiding force in your life… He’s used to nicknames, wink wink.


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