Posted by: cmittermeier | March 9, 2012

Whose better at timing a roast, me or God?

I am not a patient person once I set a goal for myself.  I eat the way I’m supposed to eat for three days and expect to fit in the smallest clothes in my closet.  When I made the decision to find a literary agent, I honestly expected the first email to come back with a yes!  With ADHD, if success is not found instantly, we tend to move on to something else and if its too interesting, we can forget the things we started sometimes needs to be checked on periodically.  You have no idea how often I set off my smoke detector while cooking multiple things.

My husband and I are prayerfully trying to discern if we are to try for more children.  I’ve had the urge for years – once there was a glimmer of hope that I could handle more I have been rather impatient.  I had always wanted a big family, when my first child was born with special needs the reality that we wouldn’t have the ladder of kids hit hard.  It was only blind faith that allowed us to go for a second child, we were taxed to the limit with our first.  That undeniable “you must have a second child” left the moment my second son was born, I was left with the realities of very hard work.  We were far out of our comfort zone, I was stretched further than I had to give and instead of turning to God, I just let holes develop.  The only deep ache was “don’t do anything permanent” – and in direct disobedience, that was exactly what we did.

This has complicated things to be sure, but it is far from the only difficulty.  The way I see it, the road blocks fall into two categories.  There is the things that if you wait to happen you’ll never do what you want because it depends on God’s Providence.  I read a great post yesterday at Catholic Sistas on God’s Providence.  I have seen it work in my own life so many times that the financial arguments and others like it against having another couple of children are meaningless to me.  The other set of road blocks fall into God’s Timing, and here is where I struggle.

I am not yet fully healthy, I still have periods of paralyzing fatigue.  At my present weight I would be considered a high risk pregnancy, and as I’m now 40 that means something.  I have progesterone issues, as I told my husband right now all it impacts is us but if I get pregnant and don’t take care of them I risk killing my child as low progesterone is a huge cause of miscarriage.  I have to work and wait.  I am confident God will continue to heal me, but YIKES I HATE WAITING!

As I sit here typing this, I feel foolish for my impatience.  In my church community there are many women who have waited years to be with their children.  I know many nannies who leave their children behind and come to foreign countries to create a better life and some have had to wait decades to be reunited with their children.  One had to face their children saying, “No, I won’t come” because they are now grown-up and want to get married.  One has had to face going back to find her husband trying to divorce her and take custody of their children – how do you fight for custody with a legal system on the other side of the world?  Even the successful ones have to face the painful and difficult times of reintroduction to their children after years of complete separation.

But you know, there is a good side to this impatience.  If I wasn’t impatient, I would forget my goal and burn my chances for more children they way I do the cooking.  By keeping your eye on the goal, you work harder.  The longer the journey, the more areas God will touch.  When I was reaching the end of my patience rope, this is what I found. Go to youtube and search Life on the Rock, Miraculous Recovery.  The URL is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GtFZCs_TKyw

It is the amazing story of a woman who lived through an amniotic embolism.  Its the lightning strike of delivery and it is almost always fatal, her heart stopped for 10 minutes, it took 3 minutes to revive her daughter (delivered through emergency C-section).  In order for this woman to survive the ordeal (this was far from a single near death event – there were complications) an amazing series of events came together that in hindsight explained why other things were delayed.  I needed to hear that.

God works all things in His time.  I may not always understand why I must wait, or why he doesn’t choose to just remove those obstacles right away, but in the end I know… he’s better at timing the roast.

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