Posted by: cmittermeier | April 10, 2012

Moving forward

My boys are, well boys.  They are not teenagers, not tweens, they are boys.  They are in the trenches of life and its hard.  This weekend I got to spend a lot of time with the whole family, that means 6 boys.  Obviously I took it in small chunks!  Several times I was taken back to my youth and all its hard lessons.  I commiserated with more than one as they came face to face with the gap between want and reality.  How I remember the pain of those years: the isolation when one friend went to play with someone other than me, the seemingly constant reminders of how stupid I was, how I never seemed to get it right… how many times did I ask to be sent to boarding school?  How many times did I try the pack a bag and run away to the forest?  Growing up isn’t easy.

I got through it by eventually taking on a Polyanna attitude.  Always find something good and focus first on that, then remind yourself that the difficult bit is OVER, DONE, GONE and LOOK FORWARD.  It has meant that I don’t often look back on the hard stuff, as a grown-up I generally try to avoid looking at any painful moment and that includes things like Good Friday.  This constant ‘look forward’ mentality is like blinders on a horse – it keeps me going forward but it also means I am unwilling to revisit things.  Never go back.  I don’t do reunions.  Period.  Going back means reliving the bad, not just the good so I don’t do it.  Period.

As I lay down to sleep last night, I wondered if I would ever have a moment, ever have a part of my life that I would want to do-over.  Part of my sub-conscious giggled and said “sex”. On many levels there is a lot of truth in that: it is the greatest creative moment we participate in.  It is also the moment where we are closest to our partners.  The possibility for new life is profound, and lets face it, it feels so good.  Yes, new life means new responsibilities, new challenges, but none of the downsides outweigh the beauty of life.

I need to see those moments in all things I do.  I can’t keep refusing to look back, and its not enough to find a good nostalgic moment to look at.  I need to find those life giving moments that transcend nostalgia.  Those are the moments worth repeating, those are the moments that will allow me to connect to my past without being overwhelmed by pain.


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