Posted by: cmittermeier | November 9, 2015

Can I really grow?

Hmm… Not sure what happened, this post was supposed to be published back at the very beginning of October, not sure how it ended up in drafts.  Well, I shall try to remedy that and get it up now.

As I moved through September, I suspected I was self-sabotaging.  Something deep was going on, too deep to figure out quickly.  It pulled together a number of lies I like to buy into… this was a challenging knot to unravel!  The fact that I’m only writing after many weeks of pondering shows you just how deep and hidden these roots were.

Two Sundays ago, as  I sat down before mass I was confronted with a thought: can we ever really change, or are we just shuffling our abilities around?  I’ve pondered this before when I hit a personal plateau in any area of my life.  We all know the scenario: you try to make a change in one are of your life only to have another area slip up.  We all know there is only “so much” any of us can do, so really, the idea that we are just shuffling between the areas of our life we need to work on make a certain amount of sense.  Its a scapegoat lie that I often fall prey to.  I started to wonder if with all the extra work needed on my homeschooling, on starting my sons in FNE, and all the housework, if I had just run out of me to keep going on my health.

It wasn’t the only lie though, it was more the distraction than the issue.  It took a dentist appointment to help me see how much I still much prefer the dark.  I have very good teeth.  Because I don’t get a lot of tartar so a cleaning is basically a feel-good, pat-on-the-back visit for me.  After this visit, I did NOT like how smooth, how clean they felt.  There was a difference between my “regular” good and this super clean good.  I stopped brushing.  We won’t even talk about stuff like floss and mouthwash.  Eventually, it got yukky enough I would brush… but then I would wait again because it went back to that super clean feeling.  

What the heck was going on?    Why did I not LIKE having clean teeth?

As I pondered it a bit more, all my poor eating choices kept slipping into my thoughts.  It was the same thing.  I did NOT want to eat very well, just well enough.  I remembered back to a fleeting moment at the beginning of September where I caught a glimpse of a future that included reaching my weight goal. Ever since that glimpse I kept trying to stay in the opposite zone.  I did not want to be loosing weight, or keeping super clean teeth…  I had glimpsed that change was possible and (whispering) i didn’t want it.

This last Sunday so many of the reflections that came to me were about change.  August was filled with warnings from various Saints on getting ‘stuck’ in comfort instead of continuing towards God.  When the two things came together I began to realize I need God’s help, not with the process of change, but with the desire to change.  I was self-sabotaging.

I am scared of change, of real growth.  I don’t know who I will be at the other end.  It’s scary.  It wasn’t that real growth isn’t possible, it was that it IS possible.  Its scary to realize you’re going on  a journey and you won’t be the you you know at the other end.  Thank goodness I got God!  No matter how scary things get, he’s got a plan.  Its to help me become my best self, plans for my good.  All that is good and true will stay, and the yukkies are worth getting rid of.

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