I can’t get a foothold. It has been, what, three, four weeks? Totally unable to get and stay on track for more than part of the day… Considering there were days when I couldn’t stay on track for any part of the day, you could say this was progress, but it certainly is not the report card I would like.
I have seen many I love slide back into old patterns, unable to get back on track. I know where this can end up.
This journey is a public one, and I don’t want to hide the rough parts. This started with a funeral for a little boy, but it wasn’t what you think. He had a sister, twelve years old. When I talked with her at the funeral a plethora of memories, along with a burden of pain unhealed, encroached upon my heart. I was just a smidge older than her when my father died. I was alone, in a family of
seven, six. After my mother returned to work when I was in grade two, I lost a connection with her. The age gap between my siblings, coupled with my behaviour (I was a brat), meant there never was a connection to have been lost.
Soon after the funeral, there were other draws to my past… draws to the pain.
Back then, after he died I “bonded” with them first by food. Who knows if We all wanted the same thing, but we certainly all ate our way through. I wanted to be numb to the pain and to experience pleasure. Even if it was a series of instaneous taste bud moments, I survived by constantly reminding myself pleasure was indeed possible. But then I wanted to get lost in that pleasure and totally avoid the pain. I still do.
As the tears, fears, and failures filtered through, the present began to pulse with its own difficulties. The reasons to numb and please keep adding up. Solutions, options, alternatives… not so much.
My alarm has been set to a rosary, I have been more consistent with my rote prayers, but real conversations with God? Those I stop short after only a few words. I can’t enter into things. I know whisps of the pain I avoid, and it is worth avoiding. My subconscious is going to great lengths to avoid it.
I have a prayer I sometimes say, a prayer to St. Michael for addicted people. I wonder if it will help deal with the roots of the addiction? The words are aimed more at the supernatural influences of the addiction. Time to start prayin for something…