I wish I were less scatter-brained, I really do. July 29, 2021 I completed my virtual Camino walk, all 770km that I had started at the end of January and I had so hoped to write this sooner. I hail from “Southern” Ontario, and that means the first two months were spent walking through winter. A few falls, and many cold fingers later the walking became easier, but the mental game got harder.

Ah, the mental game.

In the beginning I was walking “with a group” so to speak. Not in person, but online. I had started this with my old parish but their time goal was different than mine, they were set to finish on Pentecost. That deadline would have meant walking 6km a day, and if I was just converting my “steps”, I could have done that, but from the start I was determined that every km had to be purposefully done outside with the intention of the Camino. Realistically I was able to walk roughly 4km a day, about an hour of time. That gave me a projected completion of my birthday, mid July.

Once the community was gone, I stopped finding the time to get out there. It was easy to let life fill in all the spaces that I had previously carved out. By the end of June I knew I was in serious trouble, even with my bike to speed things along. When my birthday deadline was missed, a bit of internal panic rose up to ensure I finished. It spoke volumes to me personally that without community I fell short.

Not because I am one of those “gotta be self-made” – but because of the growing reality that the community before covid will take a great deal of time to be rebuilt. The mental game of isolation, lock-downs, and uncertainty is the new norm. We moved last year – we do not have the ties to this new parish that we once did. Seeing so directly how crucial that community was has brought me to a whole new prayer posture. I’m not talking being on my knees, I’m talking crumpled up in God’s lap.

Everyday I am surrounded by a ‘cloud of witnesses’, a legion of saints – but I’m not a mystic. I can’t sit down with St. Agatha and pour a cup of tea, or share a joke with St. Phillip Neri (though considering his love of practical jokes, I’m not sure he would be the first laughing saint to call upon). I remember reading once about a saint who had to learn how to tame his temper and how it humanized him, made him more approachable to ask for intercession – but when I consider the isolation around me, it is less intercession but interaction I am asking them for. A nagging thought keeps running through my head that doing that takes me down a road to some serious mental health issues.

I am not unique in history, I grew up out west and every little prairie museum was filled with letters from the settlers decrying the isolation of homesteading. It would be months without seeing another living soul – and yes, many did not make it through alive. Saints too have been subject to these desert times – and their examples give me great hope. St. Benedict, St. John of the Cross are two who have written on their survival and so in the next few months I will be turning to them, along with a few others and I look forward to sharing with you what I find. But in addition to the Saints, there was another place I turned that I can suggest for you…

After realizing how important that online community had been, I was inspired to try online OA again. Pre-covid I had tried but the technology just wasn’t there. For the last few weeks I have been zoomin’ in and it is much appreciated that those groups exist. I cannot begin to extol the help you will find through OA. YOU DO NOT NEED TO GO THIS ALONE. Learn from my super slow end of the Camino, somethings, including recovery, is best done in a group.

If I were to ask you to list a set of virtues and habits that go with the word “Goal”, I’m pretty sure perseverance, fortitude, discipline would all come to mind, but a few others have snuck into my head as I have continued with this journey. Forgiveness is one, even professional athletes are not at the top of their game every single day, you have to be able to forgive your mistakes if you’re going to achieve a long term goal. For me, I took things easy after Pentecost and am only now getting back into the game. There was once a time when I would not have so easily forgiven myself and gotten back on the horse, in fact there were times I would have walked away completely from the horse rather than face the failure.

The one I would like to say I am getting a passing grade on, but am not, is Humility. Honestly, getting back deeply into the game came only after about a week of secret, silent, whispered prayers – and yet – and yet when I got back from the bike ride tonight all my thoughts were, “raa raa raa, I’m back on track! I got this“. Yeah, right. If I had this I would not have needed a week of prayers to get me going. Athletes are way more humble, ever hear their thank you speeches? They know they would not have gotten where they were without a whole tone of supporting people… learn from them, not me.

Gratitude. Anyone who has worked on a long term goal knows that a key component is gratitude. God gives you a lot of mini pick me ups, sends encouragement, and cuts many hurdles down to just the right size and so it is only fitting that our gratitude game gets upped. A good way to keep on going is to look back at the road you have travelled and start giving thanks.

I have completed 613.92km and have about 160km to go (so 6km a day instead of my original 4km); all of it has been done outside by either walking or cycling. As I illustrated above in my paragraph on my lack of humility, a part of most long term goals we don’t think about is Prayerfulness. There are very few people who enjoy endless updates and details as you trek through over 700km in 4km increments – but God does. He delights in hearing all about our successes, our failures, our faithfulness or faithlessness. God is not some distant cosmic being – He loves being involved in the nitty gritty of our daily living and that makes for a great listener. Prayer is a conversation, and while no, I’m not some fruity mystic, I do think He speaks through and in our goals all the time. Tonight as I biked He whispered encouragement through the wind whipping along the tops of the trees. He greeted me with a frog in the middle of the road, and as I neared the point to turn around became the friend who is just a little bit ahead to keep you going by placing a cute little bunny to hop along the path about 100m ahead of me.

Everyday life, everyday goals. That is where we grow in often unexpected virtues.

Five days. For the last five days I have faced every battle to eat when I shouldn’t by taking time in prayer. I have logged a lot of time in front of Adorcast. This is a live youtube feed of the Blessed Sacrament run by Catholify, an app for Catholics with tonnes of features including this live feed. Folks, I just can’t do this on my own. I am sitting here with my herbal tea thankfully distracted – because moments ago all I could think about was having a snack… a cookie… some chips… some nuts… it is not a time to eat but the temptation was there and the form it took was, “you can’t do this forever”. Hence the title, how to people stay sober?

One day at a time. Sometimes on hour at a time. Sometimes one minute at a time. That’s how. Its not about the forever, its about THIS MOMENT, the NOW.

AA, Alcoholics Anonymous does not speak of forever, and those tools, traditions have been passed onto Overeaters Anonymous. At my first meeting, after the meeting being a newcomer someone sat and talked to me for a few moments and I brought that up – the forever issue. She cut me off – it’s not about forever, it’s not about tomorrow, it’s about today and she told me the first saying I memorized, “One day at a time”. THIS is the moment where I’m having trouble, so bring God into that moment.

This week was rough, I won’t lie and tell you how quickly God came to my aid and how every temptation to eat magically disappeared. It wasn’t magic, it felt like hard work, repeated hard work. Boredom. Did you know its one of my eating triggers? Lack of interest in the task at hand, another trigger. From 3:00-4:00 till dinner prep – kill zone. I had to portion my snack and choose carefully, some days we ate dinner early because I had no clue how needed that afternoon snack was. While it was in my eating plan, I had a problem sticking to just the snack. To stay with just that snack I logged a lot of time praying in front of adorcast. I could not handle that zone on my own.

From eating psychologists I know that the longer I stay on program the temptations will decrease only to return with a greater bang in a few weeks, but, that bang will be short lived if I refuse it. The science was fascinating – its the oldest part of our brains, the part we share with birds and the behaviour is still observable in birds. Learned feeding grounds are extremely important to birds, but, nature is nature and from time to time a feeding ground may become flooded for example, and temporarily that feeding ground will be inaccessible. In the first few days of a flood the bird will be seen returning to the area and will be noted looking forlornly at the water below. After several days the bird will stop coming, but then, in a few weeks its brain will cue it to return and see if the water had receded enough. It may even fly down and be seen near or in the standing water. It will do this periodically because – trumpet blast – its brain knows that eventually flood waters recede and the prized feeding spot may return. At some points the bird can become somewhat obsessive and may even try to feed through the water… just like good ol’ frantic me searching through dry ingredients to half make up cookie dough in days gone by…

But eventually the bird learns the pond is now here to stay and moves on. So will I. So will you.

There are things we can do to help train our brains, to work with them so to speak. Don’t slip up – the moment that bird can get even one worm, it will elongate the cycle immensely. Know that “This too shall pass” – this is a big one, in fact it is a huge part of the “One day at a time” mentality from OA and AA. You will not be living in a world of constant cravings, they will come – and they will GO. Next, DO NOT ENTERTAIN THEM, refuse it quickly (always easier to stop before the cookie gets in the hand). Store up successes for rainy days. Okay, this is technically part of “this too shall pass” – it means fill your head with thoughts of the moments when the temptations were not there. Those successes will help you plot a course clear of temptations. I have found that I can’t aimlessly be in the kitchen, that I am far more successful when I am working and have preplanned my meals – so that is what I focus on. If this sounds a lot like Ignatius Loyola’s rules for the first week, well yeah, he did figure some of this out centuries ago.

Now I know, if this is your first time down this road my words seem too good to be true. Temptations decreasing? “yeah, right… I’ve been dealing with these temptations all my life” you say… but this is not my first time. Remember, years ago I lost that forty pounds and I kept it off till the move came up. I may not have much to say about how to do this during periods of super high stress – but folks, when life is not a “once in 17 years” level of stress, I know how to do this. The temptations, if consistently refused do decrease in frequency. Refusing them does not mean white-knuckle, it means prayer.

Serenity Prayer – Long Version

God, grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time.
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as he did, this sinful world as it is,
Not as I would like it.

Trusting that he will make all things right,
If I surrender to his will.
That I may be reasonably happy in this world
And supremely happy in the next.
Reinhold Niebuhr

https://toledoaameetings.com/alcoholics-anonymous-aa-prayers/

Or another one

God, I’m standing at the turning point right now. Give me your protection and care as I abandon myself to you and give up my old ways and my old ideas just for today. Amen

https://12stepsofaa.com/prayers/second-step/

And yes, staring at the blessed sacrament and just talking to God also helps.

Early in my journey to a healthier life, I came across the idea of “adding in the good food till it crowded out the bad”. Recently I have watched a dear young woman deal with a very difficult situation and as she has needed “more” I have seen her turn over and over to God. As I have pondered this week how I am going to get back on track etc., the two ideas kept being presented in my brain.

Our bad habits became habits because in some way they fulfilled something in some way – maybe not fully, but enough to work in that moment. Recently I have been going through the podcast Restoring the Glory and as they talked about a wound, they explained that when one is formed we create beliefs and vows that are intended to protect us in some way. There certainly was a time in my life where it was advantageous to be a bit overweight, it ‘protected’ me at a deeper level than the harm it did. Not to mention the numbing, pleasurable distraction it gave me when things were painful… I remember first working on the psychological eating, I knew I had to find proper coping mechanisms, but as an interim I was happy to accept “better” instead of best. I was not aiming for the final finish line and so I allowed myself various moments of falling off the wagon because I knew how to stay on the horse most of the time.

The move was one of the hardest things in my life and it has brought to the surface a number of wounds I had thought long buried. None of my coping strategies has been enough, hence why I kept sliding down the ladder and eating to escape. Am I past the major stressors? Honestly, I can’t say as we still have a lot on the plate and God is likely starting some reconstructive surgery around some of those old wounds. Hence why I have been paying so much attention to that young woman.

The secular strategies have reached their limits, as all secular things do. There is only so much benefit one can derive from a given medication, exercise, eating plan, or secular meditation. God, on the other hand, is not limited – but unlike quantifiable secular strategies where cause and effect can be measured, calculated, and counted on for repeatability, God’s strategies are in a world all their own.

Prayer is not like medication – say two Hail Marys and call me in the morning just isn’t a thing. Offering it up is not some magic talisman that makes all suffering bearable. Grace is not some magic spell that erases all difficulties. There are so many aspects to the spiritual life I see how easy it is for people think you can’t count on God because what was needed one day – say extra prayer – may not be how God is calling you to handle today’s situation. Today, he may need you to rely more on his grace and the exercise so to speak may be all about trust so those prayers you used last time may leave you with a gap.

Between reflecting on those overpowering times in my life where God has broken through in a major undeniable way to bring peace and following this young woman through her situation, I have come to realize that the coping strategies I had employed need to go. I need to learn how to live Godly.

Some of my eating is habitual – that has been challenged this week by listening to that inner voice reminding me to make better choices. That inner voice is an aspect of grace, the still small voice. I have been cultivating that by praying at least once a day a prayer to my guardian angel, and my hope is to become consistent at saying ‘thank you’ when the voice comes.

In terms of using food to numb myself, well you may have your guesses on what I need to replace that with but its far more varied than that. Sometimes it means praying for guidance on how to deal with some situation that is beyond me. Other times it has meant bringing my hurt to the divine physician for healing. That process is everything from allowing myself time to cry, to entering into memories, and to praying that God will help me to be open to his healing and stop rejecting it. Other times it is all about offering it up knowing ‘this too shall pass’. There is a lot of spiritual practices here that need, well, practicing!

It is very different than many of my old strategies like repressing, escaping, etc.. As I become more proficient in my spiritual life, the true proper coping mechanisms, those old ones are finally starting to loose their grip on me. I am not actively trying to remove them – but to replace them with Godly approaches.

The other day I was helping my son with a school project (okay, I was cheering my grown-up son through a daunting late term project) and it revealed the beginnings of a habit I had not realized I would ever achieve. Don’t worry, its a good habit. My son was in a situation where the tool he had was just not enough – he needed to do arcs of circles with diameters beyond and near the limit of his compasses’ reach. What’s more, this is precision work (drafting) and the arcs radii were within a few millimeters of each other. It was not long before all the expected fixes were not enough.

And as he reached the end of the possible, I told him it’s time to call on God. Afterall, when you reach the limit of possible, who better than the master of the impossible, am I right? I reminded him of the staircase in New Mexico that is alleged to be built by St. Joseph… but he was not budging. It doesn’t work that way he said, he had to do the work, God wasn’t going to do some magic without him putting in his fair share.

So I quietly went over to the kitchen table and prayed, explaining to God how my son needed his help. And then I waited. Every day I have been reading a quote from St. Faustina, here is it:

When I see that the burden is beyond my strength, I do not consider or analyze it or probe into it, but I run like a child to the Heart of Jesus and say only one word to Him, “You can do all things”. And then I keep silent, because I know that Jesus Himself with intervene in the matter, and as for me, instead of tormenting myself, I use that time to love Him.

St. Faustina

So, I waited. I had spoken, now it was God’s turn.

He would need a longer compass, how was God going to deliver? There were many ways to make compasses from scratch, my job was to listen for the right one. I scanned his apartment – he’s a college student so this would be slim pickings. If we were at home I’d just grab some string… what did he have… cardboard. Boxed food is easy to find at a college students residence! So, we took a box top, notched the side for his mechanical pencil to wedge at the right spot and used the point from the old compass to hold it at the center and wee! Problem solved. I told him he should hand the new compass in with the project, he decided to keep it as he might need it for the last two projects.

Most of the other times I had relied on the method I had been sitting at my desk where the quote sits. This was the first time I used it outside of my own house. This is the beginning of a habit.